Conquering Fear, Hearing God....and Aerosmith

It's June, 2018. The last time I wrote was early 2016. Not good. I've drifted away from a thing that really speaks to me, and hopefully to you. Writing. Wonderful and meaningful thoughts, seem to be come easier for me when I write them down. I'd love to be an eloquent speaker and for people to hang on every word I utter, but somewhere between my head and coming out my mouth, the beautifully expressed thoughts exit like a puff of smoke, vaporizing. Soooo, here I am again. No pacts, just me now trying to be more intentional to write.

Conquering Fear, Hearing God...
and Aerosmith.

Our pastor Byron asked me if I would consider doing the transition between the worship and sermon. I laughed, maybe not out loud, but in my spirit. The last thing that was on my radar was to speak, and especially in front of a huge group of people.

I saw him in the Walmart parking lot so naturally I stopped to say hello. We seem to run into each other at a grocery store a lot. Anyway, he said he was thinking about something a few days earlier. And, there it was, speaking. God has been pushing me out of my very comfortable, Barcalounger zone again.  The first was with Journey Tribe, the newly formed young adult group, which he asked me to lead, and now this. Well, I told him I'd pray about it and he responded with "All you need is 30 seconds to get a yes or a no." Yup, he was right, on this one.

Some decisions, I've learned, take a little, or a lot, of seeking out.  Let's take Journey Tribe for instance.  I had to really learn to listen to the voice of God, which came in so many crazy awesome out-of-the box ways.  This in turn, really built up my faith and it shouted YES, I do hear the voice of God!  It came when Byron talked to me about it all and said "think blank canvas, one layer at a time" (I'm an artist so BAM, this resonated in me), it came through songs, it came through a red cardinal, it came through my thoughts, which are HIS thoughts, and through certain peoples' words to me who had no idea of what I was contemplating.  During this process, I purposely didn't talk to Dean for a long time about it, or ask others to pray.  I've relied on others to be my ears, have hid behind people too long and I needed to get the answer on my own.  The journey of me getting to that YES built my faith and confidence that I do hear God, and that's HUGE for me.

But this next request didn't need weeks for an answer, although I left our little Walmart encounter saying I'd pray about it. On my way home, thinking about all this, I asked myself why I wouldn't want to do it.  The answer was there again, FEAR.  It always seems to throw it's ugly head up and STOP what God wants to do though me. It's killed dreams, kept me paralyzed, frozen, kept the focus on ME, silenced my voice of words that have got to come out, actions that need to be done, love that is dying to be spread.  Fear almost kept me from agreeing to take on the young adults. I was "planning my escape" before it even happened! What's your biggest fear? NAME IT...repent of it, then kill it.

Recognition was the first step. Then repentance. This thing, my life and what God has called me to, really isn't about me anyway, it's all about HIM!  So if it truly is about Him, then why wouldn't I believe that the God of the universe, the one who made the heavens & earth, the sun, stars, the oceans and hills, the one who can save a soul, the one who with just one word can calm a stormy sea, or with one breath, breathe life into dust, how could HE NOT be there for me- giving me the words to say, or the song to be sung?  Oh me of little faith...BUT, it's growing.

Last Sunday, we killed FEAR.

This Sunday, I killed it.

Saturday night. Dean and I prayed before we fell asleep, that God would be God and be with us Sunday morning, and also that he would give us wisdom and dreams as we slept. When I awoke in the night, and tried to go back to sleep, all I could see was the face of a lion. Over and over and over. My Lion, the Lion of Judah. And that Lion? He's roaring over fear, roaring over dead dreams and promises you thought were lost. Can you hear him?

Sunday morning. I opened the service, yes, with my voice a little shaky, but I spoke and He met me. Then, I helped transition the service, Dean and I together. AND, I sang. I SANG! Probably off key, but hey, in front of the whole church? I hadn't planned that, or any of what I said, but He gave the song, He gave the words. I just needed to say Yes.

God used the group Aerosmith.  

In my teen aged years, I was searching for something, anything to fill this Grand Canyon sized hole in my heart. Like many people, I tried filling it with anything that came along that seemed like it was the cure, people, illegal things, and so much more. During those years, the 70's, secular music was a big part of my life and needless to say, was played at every party thrown on the weekends. This certain song, Dream On, was on top. Well, the years passed and after I gave my life to Jesus, I put away that kind of music. But from time to time, I would hear it and immediately it would throw me back to those day, filled with all the guilt, shame, loneliness and pain. Now fast forward. Dean and I took a little Saturday road trip to the mountains, in his convertible. Sun shining, top down, feeling good. As we drove, that song started. But crazy....this time God spoke through Steven Tyler....YES!! Dream on!! Dream until your dreams come true!! And guess what?? YUP...God had me share about this experience during the transition time, a theme that was woven through the worship time, through me...actually singing my rendition of the the chorus, and through what our pastor spoke about. Tell me God doesn't use ANYTHING to speak to us. How very cool is that.

Will I battle fear again, probably. There will always be situations in life that seems too big, too scary, situations that you think you'll make a fool out of yourself, but if you just remember that it truly is ALL about God, that He will be right beside you, and if you just show up and say YES, that faith will kick in, your confidence will get built up, and fear will start to leave and retreat back to it's origin, the pit. Now that's a glory moment!

"She's not dead, she's just sleeping, and she is WAKING UP"

JONATHAN HELSER 

I'm so grateful to actually start seeing areas in my life that are changing, for the better!  Words that have been spoken over me, things I've prayed for, are happening. Confidence, faith, my true identity, healing from disappointments, dead areas in my life, they all are aligning with who I was created after, and God is the one who gets all the credit.

This might not be some big, new revelation to some, but it's huge to me and where I'm at, and I wanted to share it with you in hopes that you'll be blessed.  

Just say YES and Dream On!

OH....and I re-read my earlier entries, they're not bad!  You might get touched by the previous one entitled "10 Years in Heaven".

Have a teriffic Tuesday 

and Peace to YOU my friends!!

10 Years in Heaven

I still remember that day, cold like today, a chill wrapped around our hearts.  It was the day that our family would have to say good-bye to a little life that was so beautiful, perfect to us, and here on this earth for only three very short weeks.

I never want to forget, although as the years seemed to have flown by, I feel I have in so many ways.  And this, I  don't like.  I want to remember every detail about the abbreviated time we had with her, all the hopefulness, the visitors, that smell of the hand soap which was the only thing we could bring home those grueling weeks, the few times she opened her eyes, the joy of just being with her.  The memories, waned.  

During those numb days that followed her memorial service and burial, I wrote a book, which I am so extremely grateful for, as on this 10th anniversary of her passing on to Heaven, I can read it, and remember.  I know God prompted me and gave me the strength to put together this memory book, even though at the time it was so extremely hard, yet so healing, all in the same weighty breath. Tears would fall, then a smile.  It was so bittersweet. Now, today, as I re-read it again, those same elements are present, tears, a smile.

The beginning and the end, with a couple of my most favorite pages. I hope you can feel the love, the hope, my heart, as you read my penned words. And her face, that little, 

chubby cheeked face. 

 Oh how I wish I could have kissed it...

just one more time.

The years have gone by, so many, many changes, trials, triumphs.  We've had joyous marriages, delighted as new little ones were added to our family, we've had loss of dreams and forever vows. There is nothing though, that even comes close, to have lost a child, or in this case, our granddaughter.   Yes, it was unbearable, yet in the heart raging storm, we had a hope, a peace, a deep down knowing that God was with us.  He kept us and wrapped his warm loving self all around us. 

So today, on this bitterly cold, seemingly sad day, we still feel that warmth from Him, knowing we will see this beautiful angel again.  

That's divine hope.  That's true love. 

Dedicated to you 

my Sophie girl

 

Sophia Elizabeth Stein

Born on January 21, 2006

Flew up to Heaven on 

February 10, 2006

Sometimes Friends Wine

A good number of my 50 years on this earth I have been a wife and a mom raising kids.  I've loved my life, the family I have and what I've been blessed with, but like all roles in life, it's changed.  Since my youngest of five children is almost 20 years old and the last one at home, I am more free now to find out who I am, apart from preparing school lunches, making sure curfew is kept and so on.  On one hand, this has taken some getting used to, almost like my purpose has disappeared. At times, I felt like I've been wandering, not sure how to act, what to do, or what this time was to look like.  But on the other hand, it's exciting!  I have time, well, besides still being a wife, a mom to adult kids, and a nana to a plethora of awesome grandkids...time to let this road take me where it wants to go.  

During this new season, God brought an amazing gift into my life, 

the gift of three amazing and FUN ladies. 

Their lives have been entwined for years, I'm the new one to the group, so coming in was somewhat intimidating and a bit out of my comfort zone. But with it beautifully unfolding, due to us being honest, real (yes, we do whine sometimes!), and full of the love of Jesus,  I've fallen into a rhythm and feel I can share my heart and life with them, something of which, I see how I've 

really needed.  

We love to spend time together so we make it a point to be intentional about it. Since I'm a free spirit, a go-with-the-flow kind of a girl, this has been stretching for me. We decided that once a month, we plan an outing or get together somewhere and make it a special one if there's a birthday to be celebrated. It's been dinner at one of our homes, music on the town's green, a little evening at a favorite tap house or a downtown art crawl. A few months ago, we took a trip to the beach, and particular this time, a sweet little vineyard and winery in Hendersonville.  

Birthdays are special, 

especially when they're your dear friend's. 

This one, she's brought sunshine and laughter into my life!! 

Loud music in the car,  spontanious dancing, meaningful chats and joy we share. 

Happy Birthday!!

The wine was delicious, the music heard and folks we met were a delight, but the memories made and that are strengthening our cords are what made this day so special.  I really cherish these times, and feel that God has given me something very beautiful.  

  

Here's the link to the vineyard we visited. Ask for Mary!  She's an fun and amazing sommelier!

www.saintpaulmountainvineyards.com

My Heart, Nestled in Those Hills

About a week before Christmas, Dean and I set out for the long 12 hour trip back to the western tier of NY to where we grew up.  Wellsville, NY to be exact.  A small old town, familiar, unchanged except for a few new store fronts, full of memories, both good and unpleasant, as so goes with life.   This journey was for the funeral of my step-dad Jack, who passed on due to a long bout with cancer.  Sad, yes very sad, but in a way a relief, as you never want a person to end their long lived life, suffering from such a thing.  

So we headed out all eager for this road trip together, just Dean and I, taking in the beautiful land that lay before us, with excited thoughts of seeing family that are dear to our hearts.  

This place where I came from, 

it's filled with rolling hills and beautiful countryside.

Years ago, we moved from this area with hopes of new adventure, warmer weather of course and the prospects of a different and broadened life.  All those and more came to be, 

most beyond our wildest dreams.  But still, when entering this town, that feeling of "being home" welcomed me, as it most always does. 

The drive down the main street where I once walked up and down for hours, trying desperately to find something, anything to do, never changes much.  The Modern Diner is still there with it's neon sign lit up, looking somewhat out of place against the historic buildings and old fashion street lamps.  Cannon's is gone, as is the store that filled me with wonder during Christmas, Rockwell's Department Store.  Some things will never change, or had best not.  The Texas Hot, my favorite place as is a good many people I meet, some even from this area who know of it's fame. A spattering of people I used to know, still fill their certain spots.  The old library still looks stately, a beautiful building where usually I would go, since we weren't fortunate enough to have a set of Britannica 

for school papers.  

I am grateful for those unchanged ones.  

They anchor me, and this town. 

I cannot begin to give justice to the feelings I had upon entering my uncle's home.  When my great aunt lived there long ago, we ventured over to visit, me being only small.  A warmth still filled the home, like a cozy blanket on a chilly day.  The sound of familiar voices, laughter, the creeks in the floor as you stepped inside and up the old staircase. This home.  It held love then,  

it holds it all the more now.   

That little cupboard.  It held all the wonder a child could want, filled with toys, making it hard to leave.  That cupboard, still there, as are the memories, in so much that when this particular visit came close to an end, it filled my heart with the same feelings of not wanting to go, but this time, due to those loved ones that pierced my heart with arrows of strong love. 

Beck is the Name

My grandpa, my hero, who I loved beyond words, passed away years ago.  My heart has always kept an empty space that he once filled, one that until this visit with my uncle, has never been fully whole.  I have always loved my uncle, but something happened while in his home those few days.  I saw a man like my grandpa in so many ways.  Humorous, kindness and a deep sense of family, a very deep sense.  I found my love for him grow beyond what had been there before and that hole filled in a little.  I am truly grateful, not only for this time together, but for the wonderful caring person that he is and what he that weekend, became even more in my life.   I love you Uncle Toddy.    

Our trip was was way too short.  With that, being able to spend a lot of time with my cousin Liz made it hard.  Our first night, we did get to go out to dinner, where in her usual fashion, made the night so much fun, lively and made me want to spend so much more time with her!!  I love the zest for life she holds, as well as seeing the remarkable mom she is.  Ella, the youngest, is a true delight, making us laugh and just seeing that sparkle in her eyes as the thoughts of Christmas coming, was pure joy to be around.  We also got to spend a bit of time with her oldest daughter Paige, making a late night run to The Giant, me seeing that hanging out with this girl would be so full of adventure.  Our next visit, that's what I'm declaring!  I need more time with these!! 

My new little friend Ella.  I love this girl!

One of my greatest joys was to be "reunited" with my cousin Gardner.  Over the years, we've talked now and then on the phone, exchanging how each other's family was, talking about challenges and so on.  But this weekend gave us a rekindled friendship and a bond of "cousinhood" whose roots shot down deep.  Our similarities were so evident that we were family, a few months apart in age....two peas in a pod,  even down to the little "awww" we would say when referring to something sentimental and such.  My only regret is not living closer, for I know we would see a lot of each other, laugh way too much, and he could, in his smooth way, help improve my dance moves.  

I love you Gar.  

A Time to Mourn 

On this bitterly cold day, 

we would attend Bretts' dad's funeral. 

Deaths are hard, especially when it's a parent.  And although this photo seems like we are 

all happy and dressed up for some festive event, it was sad in nature,

 as paying respects always are.  I though, in a very strange way, didn't feel that sadness.  Of course I felt bad for Brett for loosing his dad,  but I suppose it was because I knew Jack left this earth, no longer suffering, and now resided in Heaven. And this I knew, because I had the amazing opportunity of leading him to The Lord, a few months before.  

That in itself was a true miracle!     

We honored a WWII veteran 

this day, and so much more.

Someone was speaking to me, drawing me out, 

to remember things.

And to see red. 

Early one morning, I felt the urge to venture out of the cozy warm little house.

My mind flooded with thoughts, words, as I walked closer to that place of long ago.

Bradley's Pond

"An ever so faint light snow began to fall as I stood before those beautiful garden grounds, and the pond that held so many memories of my now fading childhood.  It was partially frozen over, but I remember the cold winter days we would walk to that pond, my friends and I, to enjoy it's cold hard surface on our skates.  Bradley Pond will always be a warm memory in my heart, although then so inviting, it now boasted of a Keep Out sign and a wrought iron fence that kept me from exploring that beautiful little spot once again.  It's held at a distance, like so many of my fond, and not so fond remembrances of my days in that old town of Wellsville." 

I cherished that short walk, too cold to stay out long, for it brought to the surface not only the good memories dwelling in me, but as I let them, things in my past that I needed to let go of.  I wanted to scream although alone, just me. "I'm not that same girl!" No longer was I trying to fill a void with God knows what, doing whatever, crazy bad stuff. I suppose I was screaming, only at those voices in my head, the accusations.  I wasn't the same person I was back then, and this reality set me free, once again. And those lies that still try and say I am, a sign needs to be hung on my fence, KEEP OUT, that sign painted red, for the blood of Jesus.    

Slowly I walk back to the little house, smiling, feeling warmth from love, from His love and the ones who awaited inside.  

 My joy is full. 

As the time drew near to give those goodbye kisses and hard hugs, tears did fill my eyes as I realized how very much I loved these people, this place.  Time and distance cannot be what holds us apart as it has done for so long.  

For you my Beck family 

Strolling in the Sweet Sunshine

I love the mornings...especially those that hold quietness, no tv, music, not even the ticking of our clock.  Just stillness and a cup of tea.  Now that the mornings are cooler, with windows open, the only sound today are that of pretty little birds singing their morning song.  Ahhh... it's so peaceful,  I needed this.

But now my thoughts run wild as I sit to write. So much has happened over this past year, it's hard to even comprehend.  We've seen so much tragedy, so much heartache, pain, faced amazing challenges, but yet through it all, there has been strength, hope and a grace upon it all that only can come from, what I most certainly know, is a deep faith and trust in God.  

Life definitely can be hard, but we have had some really great bright spots too, and we're so very grateful for those!!  The marriage of our daughter...then a verrrrry short time later, the announcement that they are expecting!  That's enough to wipe all the memories of the challenges away!!

How cute is our daughter with her
little pooch!! :)

September holds so much 

for our family! 

Birthdays, anniversaries, 

back to school, football.

Kirra's birthday with her
cousin Bella giving hugs...
Such sweet girls!

And now onto this new season!  Fall is fast
approaching, and so is this next chapter in our life.  WE'RE MOVING AGAIN!!!  Yup, only after having just moved into this house a year ago. Makes me soooo tired just thinking about it, but I'm so very excited!  (and our clock is packed away, thus the "no ticking")  Anyway, we found a cute, smaller house in Cornelius, the town we moved from last year.  And it's yellow!  I've always wanted to live in a yellow house.  Here's a sneak peak of one of the little things that make me happy about this place.  A unique green front door!!  And I can't wait to share some more pics of the cute and cozy backyard with the raised garden and with one day, some strung up outdoor party lights, & of the built-in sitting area in the foyer.  I'm happy, and feel this move is going to be the start of a new and waaaay better chapter in our life, and that's a really good thing!

How awesome is that front door?!?

....aaaand, I can't believe this, but I'm almost 50.  This still is shocking to me.  I'm sure that I'll designate a whole post to this momentous occasion, on feelings, reflections, shock and that sort of thing.  And I think "shock" is probably what will be the theme! But, I love big birthdays, for they start early!  My mom is the best for NOT being able to save a gift.  Thanks to her and my new kicks, the song "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini, runs through my head!  

And if you haven't heard it...well here ya go!  I'll put a smile on your face!!  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1deZbUOzTQQ

Happy Tuesday morning lovely people!! I hope you have a day filled with unexpected goodness!!

Grace Upon Grace...and Then Some

With how crazy my life has been these past many months, my brushes have sat pretty lonely in their Cafe Bustelo coffee can. And...a daunting task, I moved out of my art room and transformed my dining room into my new work space, which honestly, was a good move, more glorious sunshine!

Even though we are trying to navigate though some pretty hard situations in our life, I just needed to get my hands messy and CREATE.  I've been itching to try a few new different veins of art, studying different artists, viewing YouTube videos of different mediums, techniques and such.  But, to not stress myself out, I started this piece by going down the same avenue.  It's me.  It's those comforting "go to colors" than bring peace, happiness.  It's wax, paint, a few loved collage photos.

I know "different" will come one day, 

but this day, 

I needed familiar.

The circles, or rather stones, represent grace. I have been really feeling the grace of God over these months, going on a year.  Our life has been a roller coaster, now being the downward rush, now being extremely challenging on so many fronts.  I don't look forward to these times in life...I love the upward climb, where you can see for miles, see hope.  But during this time when the rickety cart flies wildly down the track and you don't know if it's going to jerk right or left and you feel like you're going to fly out, that steady and familiar grace, it's there, like the stones, piled upon each other.  Grace upon grace, and then some.  There's always enough, more than we need.  This piece reminds me of that.  It keeps before me that thought, that whatever we are faced with in this life of uncertainty, hardship, loss, heartache, He is there with capable and steady hands that hold us up and keeps hope alive in our hearts, being assured that their WILL BE that assent again. And I praise Him for that!!  

HOPE 

I put a little scene of old timey Port City Wilmington on the painting, always sneaking something dear to my heart that's beachy or  having to do with the sea on my work.  

It's in me so it always emerges here.  

 So much texture!!

 Thank you Hannah!! 

My dear friend and a fellow artist gave me this board which already had a good amount of texture on it, so me adding some more of my own paint and wax caused it to emerge into a beautiful piece, one I really love! 

Here are a few photos so you can see how textured this painting is.  I just love to run my hands over ones like this, adding another layer of pleasure to what I create. For me, it's not all about the visual aspect, I enjoy invoking more of our senses.

Happy Saturday!!

May you feel true peace & grace today wherever the road of life takes you. 

Giving Her Away

This girl, now a beautiful woman,

is one of the most dear treasures that my husband and I have been entrusted with 

on this earth. 

Last month, we had the privilege 

of giving her away, 

to the man of her dreams.

 I feel so incredibly blessed that my daughter and I have had a close relationship, a bond that has grown more secure and deep over each joy shared, with each phone call home while being so far away and feeling homesick or facing critical challenges, with the moments that only a good cry would help, or a prayer session that was badly needed, 

over coffee, pizza, 

singing loud in the car, births & deaths, 

and God moments...

these all have formed us 

and I wouldn't trade even one, 

for it has made us who we are, and I feel, 

it is so good. 

 I am grateful. 

I cherish this woman. 

Who is this man, that has captured her heart?  Is he good, will he protect her, will he encourage her to go hard after the Lord, will he cherish little things like giving pretty flowers, and remember special dates? Will he listen, and laugh, and talk, give her space when she needs it, 

will he love her only after the Lord...

with all his heart?

This man, this new person that will now stand by her side, as her dad, 

with a tear in his eye, 

slowly steps back and lets her go...

This man, we can say "yes!", for he is that gift from God that we have prayed for, ever since this woman was a wee babe in my womb, to be the "one" that was created for her. 

This new union, 

brings so much happiness to our hearts.

It has caused our big beautiful family to grow a bit more.

We have endured, loved, added, fought, cried, rejoiced and overcome.

Now...we celebrate, this sweet 

coming together. 

...and we rejoice in a new family formed, a new friendship which has started the process 

of growing long lasting roots.  How blessed we are to have these wonderful, 

God-loving and fun people in our lives!

The Joy of the Little Ones!

And we love a good party! 

We have fun, this family, with loud laughing, hugs, and just being down right crazy.

And when it's come to an end, 

rather, just a new beginning, 

we can smile, because we know that what we have been given, is rich and full of a special kind of love, that only seems to get 

better with time.  

How blessed we are!